The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
