Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
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I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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