everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
