You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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