when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
