Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
