also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
