life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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