There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
