is your mom at the bar?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
