moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
