"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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