I just cut my nipple shaving
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
