it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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