You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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