look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
