I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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