Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
