I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
