I like my sex mixed with concussions.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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