So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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