and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there's paper in my vomit.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I checked into jail on foursquare
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
my liver is dry heaving
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
