and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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