I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
