I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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