Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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