well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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