there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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