My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
