I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
