it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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