just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
