Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So squirting runs in the family.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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