There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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