if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
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I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize