Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
