My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
