if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
