she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
