the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
