My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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