Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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