you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
