last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
