i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
