I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
