when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just invented taco cereal.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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