Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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