YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I touched a dick in church today
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
