phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
