Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
