I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm passing your future prison.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
