At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
