The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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