Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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