i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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