smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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